The most common male sexual fantasies are about group sex, power and control, and trying something new. That is the short answer from the largest survey of sexual fantasies ever run in the United States. Psychologist Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute asked 4,175 American adults about their fantasies for his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want. In that survey, 97 percent of people said they have sexual fantasies.
So if you have them, you are with almost everyone. The better questions are what these fantasies are really about, and what you can do with them.
We build Secret Desires, an adult AI companion app. The last part of this post talks about our product, so read that part as an interested opinion. Everything before it is the research.
The seven themes behind common male sexual fantasies
Lehmiller sorted thousands of answers into seven themes. Nearly every favorite fantasy in his survey fit at least one of them. Large majorities of people shared these themes, whatever their gender or orientation. If you are a man who fantasizes about men, the same seven apply. Only the cast changes.
| Theme | What it covers | What the survey found |
|---|---|---|
| Group sex | Threesomes, orgies, more than one partner | 89 percent had fantasized about a threesome |
| Power and control | Being in charge, or handing control to someone else | The second most common theme |
| Novelty and adventure | New positions, new places, new things to try | One of three themes almost everyone had |
| Taboo | Things you are told not to want | Older people reported more of these |
| Non-monogamy | Open relationships, swinging, a partner with someone else | Includes the cuckold fantasy |
| Passion and romance | Feeling wanted, close and cared for | Women reported it more often than men |
| Erotic flexibility | Stepping outside your usual orientation or gender roles | 26 percent of straight men had fantasized about sex with a man |
Power fantasies often run both ways. Many men picture taking charge. Many others picture a woman who takes over. Researcher Christian Joyal found that people with fantasies about giving up control often have fantasies about taking it too. Our plain guide to femdom covers the version where she leads.
Non-monogamy fantasies are often about watching or sharing. Our explainers on the modern meaning of cuckold and the hotwife dynamic go deeper on both.
Men's fantasies carry more feeling than you might expect
The survey broke a stereotype: men's fantasies were not only about bodies. Lehmiller told the IndyStar that men's fantasies held far more emotion than most people expect. Men were often trying to meet a need inside the fantasy. The common ones were feeling desired, feeling validated and feeling competent.
That changes how you can read your own fantasies. A fantasy about a woman who cannot keep her hands off you may really be about feeling wanted. A fantasy about her taking charge may be about a break from making every decision. Lehmiller argues that many fantasies give us a short escape from the pressures of normal life.
The person who shows up most is someone you know. In Lehmiller's survey, 90 percent of people had fantasized about a current partner, and about half did so often.
Are these fantasies normal?
Yes, by the numbers. In a 2015 study, Christian Joyal and his team asked about 1,500 adults in Quebec to rate 55 different fantasies. Only two of the 55 counted as rare, and both involved illegal acts. Thirty were common. Five were so widespread that the researchers called them typical.
The researchers made a useful point. What a fantasy does to you matters more than what it is about. Doctors only call a fantasy a disorder when it feels compulsive or causes real distress.
Fantasy, desire and action are three different things
Most people want to try their favorite fantasy. Most never have. In Lehmiller's survey, 79 percent said they want to act on their favorite fantasy someday. Only 23 percent had done it.
Some fantasies are ones people never want to live out. The reasons people gave were simple. It is physically impossible, it is illegal, it goes against their values, or it is not safe. A fantasy is not a plan. Enjoying one in your head says nothing about what you will do.
That leaves four real options for any fantasy. Each one has a catch.
| Option | What you get | The catch |
|---|---|---|
| Keep it in your head | Total privacy and no risk | It plays out the same way every time |
| Tell a partner | The people who shared their favorite fantasy reported the most satisfying sex lives | It takes trust, and your partner may say no |
| Act it out | The real experience | Real people have real feelings, and everyone must agree |
| Play it out in fiction | A way to test it with nobody else involved | It is not real, and it does not replace a partner |
Talking about it usually goes better than men fear. Lehmiller has said that about 80 percent of people who shared a fantasy with a partner had a good experience.
Trying a fantasy in fiction first
Fiction shows you whether a fantasy still works once it has details. A written story does this well. So does an interactive chat, where the other side answers back.
The power theme is a good example. An AI jerk off chat gives you a fictional adult partner who takes the lead. She sets the pace, reacts to what you tell her, and can answer with a voice note or a picture. You can slow her down, change the mood or end the scene whenever you want. If being told what to do is the heart of it, our guide to the genre built on instruction explains why that works. For a stricter version, femdom AI leans harder into control. If group sex is your theme, AI threesome chat is built around that scene.
Secret Desires is one of these apps, so here is the honest version. Our partners keep the same personality from message to message. They can remember what you liked in earlier chats, and they send voice and pictures that fit the moment. Your chats are tied to your account, and you can delete one thread or your whole history.
Where we fall short: a well written story has more craft than a chat. A real partner has a presence no app has. What a chat can do is respond to you, which a story never will. If you are happy keeping a fantasy in your head, you do not need us at all.
Common questions about men's fantasies
What do men fantasize about most?
Group sex, especially threesomes, is the top theme in Lehmiller's survey. Power and control comes second.
Do men fantasize about their own partner?
Yes, very often. In the same survey, 90 percent of people had fantasized about a current partner.
Is it normal to have a fantasy you never want to act on?
Yes. Many people enjoy fantasies they would never want in real life. A fantasy is not a plan.
Should I tell my partner about my fantasies?
That is your call. Lehmiller found that people who shared their favorite fantasy reported the most satisfying sex lives. Start with a small one and see how it goes.
What most men really want to know
Most men who look up common male sexual fantasies want an answer to one question: am I normal? The research says yes. The themes are few, most people share them, and having one does not mean you have to act on it.
If the power theme is yours, Secret Desires lets you explore it in private. A fictional partner takes the lead, and you set the limits.
